Let me just preface this by saying I’m an avid thrift store shopper. I also love, love, love the wicked, dry humor of the Maxine comics. So who wants to be a cute fairy or a sexy witch? Apparently not me… Yep I am comfortable in my skin and I went all out to try and capture the essence of that grumpy old lady, Maxine.
I kind of imagined my hair in rollers, wearing fluffy slippers and that old, tatty bathrobe you see her wearing all the time. But when I entered the old thrift store, you know that one that your granny frequents with nylon nighties, corsets and sensible shoes; I knew I had found Maxine nirvana.
The first thing I found was that cute purple purse and it all kind of flowed from there. I had a tingle in my fingers when I found that yellow hat, soft and pliable and just waiting for a big plastic daisy to adorn it.
I shouldered my rucksack, things were getting serious now. I had both arms free to rummage through the clothes. The colorful two- piece was my next found treasure. It had an elastic waist skirt with enough room on the top to hold an ample bosom. Now there was problem. I am only a 34 B. What to do? I can only say the ladies lingerie section held my answer. In the form of a humongous hammock of a grape colored brassiere.
It cost all of $12.00 for these delectable items and I left with my head buzzing with ideas.
As the weeks came closer to the big day, the ideas came thick and fast.
* Plastic daisy, check- it threaded through the holes of the hat no problem.
* I went to Walmart and bought a pair of purple plastic sparkly shoes- a lady must have matching shoes and purse!
* I bought a pair of thick ecru knee highs – extra-large.
* A cheap red lipstick and a garish pair of sunglasses to cover my glasses -large 70s lenses!
* Cheap blonde wig.
The day before I went through my check list to see what was missing – guess what – flat chest wasn’t working!
A friend was going to the store at lunch time and I asked her for two oranges, after looking at the hammock that I planned to wear she came back with two grapefruits – of similar weights, she had made a conscious effort to match them up. Putting the costume together was easy. I split the seam in the bra and inserted the grapefruits and they dangled and swayed really well. Voila- big bosoms! I put the knee highs on and deliberately allowed them to wrinkle around my ankles in a most fetching manner. The coffee mug was already at work- I set it on my desk to hold my pens for the day.
Let me tell you. I work for a utility company and the public can be a little strained when I meet them, but that day we all had a hoot. I spent most of the day lifting my large boobies onto my desk so I could actually work at the keyboard. I had old men flirting with me , I mastered the art of the labored sigh and disparaging sneer.Ooh and the best thing…
I had been really sick for about two weeks before. I had been given antibiotics and they were not working. My doctor gave me a steroid shot in my butt two days before Halloween. I walked into his practice the day I dressed up and winking at the receptionist I loudly demanded to see Dr. Martinez. When he came out, his face was priceless, ex-military , he does not have time to waste on stupidity. I told him, “I don’t know what was in that shot you gave me yesterday, but today I feel like a different woman!” I haven’t seen that man laugh like that since…
I really think this was the best costume I have ever made or worn. I had blast and I know that somewhere Maxine is raising her Martini to me as we speak!
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